The title of this specific post sounds more like the beginning of a bad joke. But I assure you that when dealing with a toxic person it can be no laughing matter, and yes when dealing with someone like this, can make you feel like your groping around in the dark, trying to find the light switch!
Recognizing toxicity in others can be difficult…many just plain refuse to identify it in others, possibly because they’re just afraid to call them out. But, the reason why I even started writing about this subject, was because of how pervasive it has been in my own life. Yes, of course, there are many levels/or placements on the spectrum of life, with toxic turds. So, as we unwrap this sensitive topic, take what supports you, and leave the rest. Oh, and please feel free to comment below with your own experiences. I want to create a safe space to exchange stories and situations.
My viewpoint on recognizing toxic people is exactly that, an opinion. No, special training, I work without a net, and I let my Spidey Senses guide me. As we all know, people can be very charismatic when you first meet them. As the moments and interactions increase. True layers will begin to show. And to be very clear, I’m not talking about the in-your-face “Karens,” here. I’d rather take a deeper dive into those who work stealth, those that suck the joy from the very marrow of our souls.
So, how do we know when a toxic turd is standing right in front of us?
I wish I could say that I’ve honed my own experience down to a science, of a specific body language tick, or certain verbal clue. But, for me, it’s in the intent. As I said, they’re difficult to spot, but once you start to see the queues, you’ll never be able to unsee them again.
So, where do we start? For me, the biggest red flag is when I encounter is anyone who disqualifies my opinion or devalues what I have to share. HUGE Red Flag! HUGE! I don’t care who you are, family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, it doesn’t matter. If you feel reduced, marginalized, or disrespected in any way, that is a behavior of someone feeling inferior, and needing to put you in your place.
For me, another aspect is gaslighting by others. This one is insidious and so difficult to determine. I have to say this one has had me completely blindsided; it’s confusing and drove me crazy. Because what you want is to take people at their word, with many, you can. With others, it’s those who refuse to share healthy SUPPORT to anyone, along with the need to strategize their own lives, everything is for their gain.
In the past, when I encountered a difficult person, then shared that encounter with another, only to hear them say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, they’re very nice to me?” Or, “Wow, that’s too bad, they’re always so well-mannered and pleasant to be around. I find that so hard to believe.” That is a complete negation of your experience and feelings, and is extremely toxic. Simply put, gaslighting is when someone denies or questions your perspective or reality.
Of course, we can all have opinions, and our opinions can differ and they are not always right. But when we share that opinion, and people need to devalue or insult what we have shared, choose to ignore it, or simply prioritize their own desires over the other parties involved, these are all forms of toxicity.
I did learn this quick test, to somewhat judge the basis of the person’s toxicity and here is the background of how it was developed. A company was hired by a major corporation, to create a test to give to their c-suite potential hires. The company created the test, but when the corporation reviewed it, they came back with, “Can’t you fine-tune this down to one question?” The company was shocked, as they shook their heads in disbelief at the request. But, they didn’t want to lose this opportunity, so they went to work to find just that perfect question and here it is: Tell me about a time in your life that was very difficult and it possibly changed the trajectory of your life. What did you learn from that experience?
If anyone answers that question, by saying, “Well, this guy that hired me was a complete jerk.” Or with whatever story that they share, if they refer to someone or something outside of them that created havoc in their life or blame shifts. That is a toxic turd. You want to discover or hear from the person sharing, a moment about how that experience, helped them evolve, learn, or grow. That is someone you will want as a co-worker, friend, or partner in life.
Find the courage to be disliked, and remember that the greatest gift you can give another person is support. Telling them, things like, good work, I enjoy your company, I like what you had to share, I like your perspective. Even if you do not agree with what was shared, find something positive to say first, then offer and counterpoint.
As I’ve said now, toxicity is pervasive on all levels, and yes, we also need to hold ourselves accountable too. When recognizing these feelings of devaluing and dismissal with others, do not engage. Put distance between yourself and them or the situation. We need to stop normalizing toxic people and situations. You have nothing to fix or to master. Just move on! If you stay and allow, that is the epitome of self-harm. You can’t change them, your only job is to disengage.
xxx gail
